The writing prompt: Misguided Guide
Write a 200-word how-to manual for something that should never, under any circumstances, have a manual (examples: how to sneeze politely, how to make friends with a cloud, how to get rid of a hiccup that’s actually a ghost).
- Do not panic. Earthworms and shoelaces are surprisingly similar, and both relatively harmless. Close your eyes, take several deep breaths, open your eyes and reassess the worms. If they remain and you are to the best of your recollection sober, go to step two.
- A relaxed earthworm is a compliant earthworm. Do not attempt dislodgement with a pinching or pulling motion. The worms will recoil and become impacted in the eyelets. No amount of pushing or pulling will dislodge a determined worm.
- To relax the earthworms, prepare a warm slurry of wet leaves, newspaper and mushroom juice. Smooth the slurry over the worms to relax them.
- Once the earthworms relax to the diameter of cooked spaghetti, unwrap a fresh Twix bar and hold it near. The sweet chocolate/caramel/cookie smell is irresistible to the worms. As they finger their way toward the smell, slowly move the Twix away to lure them out of your eyelets.
- Wipe your shoes and Q-tip the eyelets, using the worm mucus and food slurry to shine the leather and polish the metal.
- Replace fresh shoelaces and tie accordingly.
- To avoid future shoelace transmogrification sprinkle kosher salt and chili flakes on your shoes before leaving the house.