The prompt:
One morning, you (or your narrator) wake up with the tail of a completely different animal. It’s not a curse—it’s paperwork. Write a 250-word (or so) story or prose poem tracing the bureaucratic process of trying to return it.
“It’s not so bad,” Gilford offered, “I’m sure it will come in handy.” Gilford made air quotes to emphasis his joke.
Roy looked at the photos Gilford took of his butt to better see his new tail. “I ordered a monkey tail. I wanted a fifth hand to hold my beer or my phone or to pick up stuff. This one is useless,” Roy complained.
“It might be able to hold to your phone,” Gilford offered.
“It’s a hamster tail. A nub. Nearly nothing. I couldn’t hold onto a pencil with this thing,” Roy whined.
“At least it doesn’t make your ass look fat. That’s something,” Gilford smirked. “What’s the big deal, just return it.”
“The big deal?” the pitch of Roy’s voice rose. “First Amazon Bio undoes the DNA changes they made to get the tail to stick. Then I keep the tail in a Bezos Cryo Box except when I apply the DNA-Away cream to the tail and my ass four times a day for a month. If anything goes wrong, it’s all on me. Plus, I’ll permanently have a dead, bony puck above my ass crack. And all for a stupid rat tail!”
“Hamster,” Gilford corrected. “Can you add another tail somewhere else? Does it have to be on your butt? Maybe the middle of your back or your leg or something. What about an elephant nose? You know what they say about men with big noses. How about a rhino horn, or reindeer antlers? Then every day is Christmas!”
“You’re the worst friend in North America,” Roy droned.
“I’m the best friend,” Gilford offered. “Because I know a guy who knows a guy who used to date Jeff Bezos’ fourth wife. And it just so happens she gave him the universal password she got in the divorce settlement. And with this password you can buy, sell, or return anything in the Amazon Universe for free, no questions asked.”
“Not much of a divorce settlement,” Roy observed.
“Dude, she can withdraw money from Amazon Banking, buy a yacht from Amazon Boating, and fly to Mars on an Amazon Cock Rocket.”
“My apologies,” Roy said. “Now please fix my ass.”