Edging Winch was born unloved
Her mother the victim of a man ungloved
Edging Winch floated in the womb
Amidst a stew of booze and fumes
Edging Winch’s limbs were twigs
Not unlike a guinea pig’s
Left upon a church’s stoop
Her skin the hue of old pea soup
Edging Winch’s hungry cries
Like a hyena being circumcised
The nuns took pity on her soul
But questioned their stance on birth control
Edging Winch lived in the old wood shed
Was fed sour milk and stale cornbread
She was only able to earn her keep
By showing herself, causing others to weep
When Edging Winch was put on show
The donation plate would overflow
They would let her wander inside the church
And roll about with her halting lurch
She was busiest during Christmastime
Flopping through a tragic pantomime
Edging Winch grew despite her curse
And her mind was strong although perverse
And in the shed she hatched a plan
To trick a favor from an obese man
At Christmas Edging Winch had seen
Santa working with a team
Thinking her a pile of rags
They freely opened all their bags
Elves and reindeer worked in teams
Leaving gifts of childhood dreams
Edging Winch devised a scheme
So she could too live out her dream
She caught an elf by laying a trap
Made of molasses and pine tar sap
Edging Winch kept it in a cage
Edging Winch ignored its rage
She fed it tiny fruits and pies
And ignored its pitiful sobs and cries
With a hostage, she would make a trade
For the elf that Santa had mislaid
She wanted wealth, she wanted beauty
And a body that surpassed Beyoncé’s booty
Edging Winch would patiently wait
For Santa’s return to the fire grate
But as she waited she started to doze
And missed what from the fireplace rose
Edging Winch did not see the jolly Claus
And he freed her prisoner without pause
Still sleeping, she dreamt of the South Pole
But woke with two eyes made out of coal
Edging Winch cried out in pain
She winced, her new eyes rubbed against her brain
Edging Winch had missed her one escape
And now was left to beg and scrape
Her dull coal eyes dripped oily tears
As she panhandled for many years
Edging Winch warned every child
“Behave yourself, be both meek and mild”
Edging Winch warned of her life’s cruel twist
Trapped forever on the naughty list
Edging Winch begged the children that if ever they
Happened to hear Santa and his sleigh
To hide and try to spy an elf
And treat it as you would yourself
Offer caring kindness to build trust
Edging Winch said, “feeding it is a must”
Edging Winch said “upon it you must dote”
“And then grab it by the throat!”
“Then choke the elf until its dead.”
“And pinch the neck to pop off its head.”
Edging Winch said “then Santa would surely know”
“That kidnapping isn’t just for show”
Edging Winch hoped that the Man in Red
Would be so shocked, he’d be stricken dead
And then her life could get no worse
She’d be free of Santa’s Naughty Curse.