Edging Winch

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Edging Winch was born unloved

Her mother the victim of a man ungloved

Edging Winch floated in the womb

Amidst a stew of booze and fumes

Edging Winch’s limbs were twigs

Not unlike a guinea pig’s

Left upon a church’s stoop

Her skin the hue of old pea soup

Edging Winch’s hungry cries

Like a hyena being circumcised

The nuns took pity on her soul

But questioned their stance on birth control

Edging Winch lived in the old wood shed

Was fed sour milk and stale cornbread

She was only able to earn her keep

By showing herself, causing others to weep

When Edging Winch was put on show

The donation plate would overflow

They would let her wander inside the church

And roll about with her halting lurch

She was busiest during Christmastime

Flopping through a tragic pantomime

Edging Winch grew despite her curse

And her mind was strong although perverse

And in the shed she hatched a plan

To trick a favor from an obese man

At Christmas Edging Winch had seen

Santa working with a team

Thinking her a pile of rags

They freely opened all their bags

Elves and reindeer worked in teams

Leaving gifts of childhood dreams

Edging Winch devised a scheme

So she could too live out her dream

She caught an elf by laying a trap

Made of molasses and pine tar sap

Edging Winch kept it in a cage

Edging Winch ignored its rage

She fed it tiny fruits and pies

And ignored its pitiful sobs and cries

With a hostage, she would make a trade

For the elf that Santa had mislaid

She wanted wealth, she wanted beauty

And a body that surpassed Beyoncé’s booty

Edging Winch would patiently wait

For Santa’s return to the fire grate

But as she waited she started to doze

And missed what from the fireplace rose

Edging Winch did not see the jolly Claus

And he freed her prisoner without pause

Still sleeping, she dreamt of the South Pole

But woke with two eyes made out of coal

Edging Winch cried out in pain

She winced, her new eyes rubbed against her brain

Edging Winch had missed her one escape

And now was left to beg and scrape

Her dull coal eyes dripped oily tears

As she panhandled for many years

Edging Winch warned every child

“Behave yourself, be both meek and mild”

Edging Winch warned of her life’s cruel twist

Trapped forever on the naughty list

Edging Winch begged the children that if ever they

Happened to hear Santa and his sleigh

To hide and try to spy an elf

And treat it as you would yourself

Offer caring kindness to build trust

Edging Winch said, “feeding it is a must”

Edging Winch said “upon it you must dote”

“And then grab it by the throat!”

“Then choke the elf until its dead.”

“And pinch the neck to pop off its head.”

Edging Winch said “then Santa would surely know”

“That kidnapping isn’t just for show”

Edging Winch hoped that the Man in Red

Would be so shocked, he’d be stricken dead

And then her life could get no worse

She’d be free of Santa’s Naughty Curse.

 

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